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HOW I GAINED & LOST 50+ lbs, Natural & Effortless Weight Loss, Diet & ED Recovery

Some people have written in, noticing I've lost a bit of weight since my first videos on youtube over a year ago.

they are wondering what’s changed?

That's what this post is going to be on today!

 

RECAP OF MY DIET RECOVERY JOURNEY

First, I want to do a recap on my recovery journey.

MONTH 1

In my original video of “how I dealt with weight gain in recovery” you would know that at about 5’6,” I got down to 90lbs at my lowest of my disordered eating as a raw vegan, ketogenic, detox/cleansing diets and trying other kinds of extreme diets.

I then found this whole "diet recovery" thing also referred to as metabolism recovery, disordered eating & anti-diet recovery, binge eating recovery, eating disorder recovery, and now 'all in' recovery  -

...Anyways, I gained a lot of weight FAST - within the first month 40lbs.

And if you’ve watched my video “what I ate in recovery vs what I eat now post recovery,” you know that during these months I was bingeing constantly.

The first month well up to 10,000 calories a day - it was extreme hunger and uncontrollable, but I listened and surrendered to my hunger and cravings.

MONTH 3/4

I continued on in my recovery process to heal my metabolism without dieting or excessive exercise and was at 150lbs and I got my period back after it being inconsistent for years and then going away totally into hypothalamic amenorrhea for a couple years, and so my period returned at month 3 or 4.

FOLLOWING 6 MONTHS

 

So then, over the next 6 months or so (and this is a rough estimate), I started to yo-yo again between restrictive eating, excessive workouts and being all in in my diet recovery...

...because the old beliefs around dieting, eating and weight management started to create doubts in my recovery process,

because I was in extreme pain everywhere – my joints, feet, knees, bloated, swollen, and I feared all the weight gain was unhealthy and that I needed to get it off ASAP (and so many other symptoms I won't get into right now).

So... I began to blame the food again.

I tried to go back and forth between raw vegan, then meat and ketogenic, then paleo and no sugar or grains...

...but each time I would binge on cooked foods, or binge on granola bars, or binge on whatever food group it was I was cutting.

6 MONTHS LATER...

So after these 6 months I never lost the weight at this point, my body was holding onto the fat and water weight for dear life.

And my body continued to suppress my metabolism to make my body want to conserve everything that did come in, for protection against the continued self-induced famine (the restrictive eating behaviors & mindsets).

My periods also became irregular again at this point, just really light and short cycles and they just weren’t real periods for a couple months.

So that’s when I got to the point of "SCREW THIS, none of these diets work, they all make me binge"

and I made this video where I was committing to myself and recovery and was letting go of ALL restrictions.

No more excuses!! I declared.

 

 

So of course it wasn’t easy after that, but I did it.

THE FOLLOWING 6 MONTHS...

For the next 6 months or so, I finally was committed and all in on my recovery.

I gave into all cravings, without restrictions, eating all the foods I was still fearful of and hadn’t faced.

I wasn’t eating 10,000 cals this time around, but I was still eating quite a lot probably somewhere around 4,000-5,000 calories a day, but I never tracked to be completely sure.

So I managed to gain more weight and water, as a rebound of suppressing my metabolism at that initial weight plateau of 150 lbs and still being in starvation mode and not finishing recovery and healing and sabotaging by restricting again, I overshot my weight to about 190lbs and a BMI of 29/30.

(And if you'd like to read more about what "overshooting" your weight set point means, check out this blog post here and also here.)

If I'm honest, that was uncomfortable.

And I had so much cellulite and new stretch marks that freaked me out.

BUT I looked at it as:

"well, I’ve gained a lot more than I’ve lost, so I embrace the cellulite or I try to not hate it because I’ve gained X, Y and Z in my life as a result from gaining weight"

I got myself to remember all the health and life that I lost as a result of restricting and being underweight.

The key is that even with all this additional weight gain and discomfort, I didn’t stop eating, even though it felt sooo wrong... 

Yes, I feared I had already over shot my weight yet was still extremely hungry...

BUT, I kept eating as much as my body was asking for, because that was the only way out.

So overall I gained 100lbs in my recovery from 90lbs to 190lbs.

During this period, I also finally realized that I was weight lifting and doing a couple high intensity workouts (HIIT training) a few times a week and I was in denial that it was terribly hindering and hurting my recovery and healing

And so I finally let go of the weight lifting, HIIT workouts, hiking and cut all exercise for a couple months at just over a year into my recovery.

THE FOLLOWING 6 MONTHS

After this 6 month period, the next 6 months, of no exercise and no restrictions and  having my weight stabilize at it’s highest weight ever at a 190lbs and a BMI of 29/30...

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED...

...the weight AND water retention / edema, SLOWLY, and I mean very slowly started to come down to  around 160 pounds, a few months later with no effort, no thought put into eating or exercising a certain way..

...I just continued to live my life, go out, go camping, be in a relationship and work on my business and such.

...My hunger stabilized and I wasn’t as hungry anymore!

...I felt hunger and satiety cues starting to be present.

...I was allowing myself to stop when I was full because my brain and body wasn’t in that scarce starved mentality and state anymore - I didn’t feel like I had to eat more than I was hungry for.

...I and my body trusted it would be fed whatever and whenever it wanted. 

...As a result my body felt safe and it didn’t need to conserve anymore and slowly began to release the weight that the body didn’t feel comfortable with and no longer needed for survival and conservation purposes anymore.

 

THE KEY MENTAL SHIFTS THAT HAD TO OCCUR

When I finally committed, said screw it and went all in...

I surrendered to my body and the process, which meant:

I did not put an expectation on what this should look like, because if I did and I kept wishing that the body did what I expected it to do, when I expected it, and stayed in that "hurry & worry" consciousness, I don’t think it would’ve happened.

I literally had to forget about weight loss at all.

Even though I continued to feel uncomfortable, I focused on life and maintained the willingness that, if I had to be that higher weight forever but if I got all the health in return as a result, then so be it.

Mentally, I let go of the pursuit, pure intent and striving for weight loss as the end result.

Thankfully I had a couple people who accepted me for me and made me feel loved, secure and safe, and they accepted me as is.

Of course seeing people around town from old high school or college, I would be embarrassed at first, but I worked on it and I started to just block them out.

They weren’t in my direct life, they’re not my best friend, family or significant other, so why would I perseverate on it? 

And I know it’s hard to completely get away from judgment especially from family sometimes...

(which we have to learn to not internalize their comments or judgments or let them dictate our lives, feelings and self esteem about ourselves)

...but regardless, we can pick and chose who we give the most of our energy to, who's opinions and comments we 'beleive' and internalize and who we surround ourselves around most of the time..

And we should chose wisely only those who accept us regardless.

So me personally I chose friends and a a significant other that never made me feel bad for extra weight I'd put on, even though I was going trough crisis mode, feeling so insecure, going through an identity crisis...

but they still made me feel safe, loved, beautiful, and that I was more than my body.

And this was a different experience that helped me to realize "wow why would I ever surround myself with people again who I felt judged and criticized by and not enough because of my body?"

It was an eye opener.

 

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT LAST FEW MONTHS?

Okay, so the weight over the next year, came off without me really noticing which brings us to about 10 months ago and then now.

Which is what a couple of people have pointed out over the last several months.

I didn’t really noticed except by the way things started to fit, but it wasn’t a big thought in my head other than, "hmm I should probably get some new xyz.."

And it wasn’t until I looked back one day and was like: "oh wow, I remember when in just several months ago I… whoa! that’s cool! It does work!! Recovery works!"

So I thought my set weight point was 160 and I was super happy about that, and I NEVER thought I could be happy there, but I totally was!

But then over the next 10 months, I lost another 15lbs with absolutely no effort.

I feel:

  • comfortable and healthy
  • no strong cravings,
  • no bingeing,
  • my period is present, consistent and regular,
  • sex drive is present,
  • energy is present,
  • my hair isn’t falling out,
  • no crazy digestive problems,
  • my metabolism is fixed and healed,
  • all of that good stuff.

If you'd like to learn more about the signs and symptoms of a low metabolism (such as these)

be sure to get your free copy of The Metabolic Mind Connection Test, to see where you're at, why and what to do to heal your mind and metabolism too! Click Below:

 

So, apparently, at this time in my life, this is where my body wants to be, so this may be a new set weight point for now for my body type and genetics.

Time will tell!

THE PROBLEM WHEN OTHER PEOPLE TRY TO ATTEMPT THIS SAME PROCESS TO GET THESE RESULTS...

What I notice, is, people don’t give recovery this kind of a chance.

They can’t fully commit to weight gain, eating or releasing shame and guilt around eating, exercise and their body..

OR they do initially, but don't stick it out long enough, get impatient, doubt the process, and back out right before they strike gold...

...and therefore a lot of people will stay in this diet-binge-gain cycle forever.

And it’s sad.

But honestly, it’s understandable, and for these situations, it’s hard to say what to do.

This has to be an internal choice and decision (decide literally means from it's roots, to cut off all other options)

And really doing the inner work. Doing the mental and emotional work. And looking deep inside yourself as to what your WHY is?

And if what you’re doing now does not align with your core morals, values or deepest aspirations and goals in life or who you want to be in 2 or 5 years from now, then you have to realize how valuable the wait of recovery is.

You have to realize the benefits of the ups and downs in recovery is.

Because the emotional part that I didn’t talk about in this recap, that was a HUGE aspect of recovery, and I don’t think you can get away from the emotional and mental work if you want to fully recover, for good.

Sometimes the body holds on to fat as a comforting and protective barrier to old traumatic emotions and events or old belief systems we internalized from our external environment.

Remember in my original "How I Dealt With Weight Gain In Recovery" video and I say this: “it can always change in the future” ..well I meant it and I mean it now too, who knows where my body will be next year?

Maybe I’ll gain some weight back, maybe I’ll be the same, maybe something will happen, I have no idea about?

I know and accept that the body I have right now, will not always look like this.

I could break my leg tomorrow and no longer be able to climb mountains.

I could get really sick this winter.

I could get pregnant.

I could simply shift my priorities.

I could have to work longer hours.

I could go through depression.

Life is one constant transition—the number one way to get into a state of anxiety and frustration is to pretend like wherever we are is permanent.

I know that the way my body looks and feels right now isn’t permanent, so there is no reason to attach to it.

So out of anything, I get where you are, I understand why you have the fears and doubts you do, I experienced it all myself.

But remember, the weight gain, was a huge hit to my vanity as well as the image and reputation I had created for myself.

Which I still believe was a deeper aspect of the lessons I had to learn, to find my identity outside of my body, outside of appearance, outside of fitness, outside of health...

...because that all had become my identity, even though I had lost touch with pieces of myself,

I always feared showing these authentic parts of me, for fear of rejection or felt it wasn’t worthy or good enough to be shown or embraced.

But I found parts of myself again and a new identity in recovery,

And I still am refining, learning and growing in that today,

and it will probably change many more times in the future with the more that I learn and the phases I go through in life.

And I accept that process, and I am open to change, whether that’s my body changing, the aging process, my food preferences/cravings changing, my interests changing, my business changing, where I want to live, whatever it is.

At the core, I’ve defined my values, priorities and my main focus is to never deter from that and who I truly am, and ever lose myself again to anything or any influence.

So take it from someone who like you didn’t believe it could happen, but you’ve been able to watch some of my process here on the internet, you can do it too!

 

So when I started my YouTube channel in 2017, I had been recovered for about a year.

And then after that point, my weight had already been slowly coming down for a couple months and then continued to slowly come off over the next several months, so about 6 more months and then a bit more over the next 6 months.

And I’ll talk more about what I’m currently doing now in a bit.

But the main thing I want to preface is this: the main focus or "WHY" of recovery should not be weight loss anymore.

If this is the main focus still, this is a problem.

If we fear weight gain and have a complete unwillingness to surrender to what's going to be healthiest for your highest good...

...and you still have all this guilt and shame around eating food (and you'er not working on it),

...this will keep you stuck in the yo-yoing of dieting then bingeing then purging then gaining all the weight back then dieting then bingeing and it just continues.

 

SO WHAT ELSE HAVE I BEEN DOING?

Before I get on a tangent, I want to say that I have not been focusing on my weight or body at all.

My focus has been on: how do I feel?

 

 

But more so, focusing on all the other things that make my life whole that I have going on in my life, such as:

  • working on my relationship and the challenges that come with that,
  • working on making my program Find Your Balance to be the best it can be, focusing on my clients and serving them the best I can,
  • traveling and camping,
  • finding time for friends and family,
  • dealing with the deeper wounds that are STILL surfacing and still having aha moments as to how the hell all the disordered eating even started,
  • and now with all the tools learned in recovery, applying them to different challenges, lessons and situations now and the different changes that we go through In life.

And honestly, some of these have been super challenging, stressful and emotional, and I wanted to give up a lot of times, yes even just in the last year...

...but boy have I learned a lot more about myself, and about people and about the psychology of humans, and so much else.

So really what I’m trying to say is:

I have so much other stuff to focus on now, that isn’t surrounding food and my body,

...it’s more meaningful and fulfilling and at times it pushes me to grow and learn which can be painful like growing pains are, and really reflect about myself and where I need to work on myself

...and thank God food isn’t controlling my mind and life anymore, because I would be missing out on all these other opportunities to develop myself, work on myself, serve others and show up for the world, which I couldn’t do fully when my brain and body was starving and hyper-focused on food!

It cost me A LOT in life.

 

And I have to admit I’ve been pretty damn stressed in a certain aspect of my life but I’m doing the best I can with getting through it.

But what I do know is:

that I NEVER want to go back to being starved or restricting my foods or over exercising because of how miserable I was and how much my health declined as a result

...and how MUCH health I got back as a result of letting go of all restrictions in my diet and all the overexercising and trying to control my body, and instead, work with my body as a team.

I stopped trying to fight my body.

And stopped trying to control and suppress my body.

I stopped fighting food.

I trusted that the body was fighting for my survival and that whatever it needed to do, wherever it needed to go, and no matter how long it wanted and needed to stay there...

...that my body knew what it was doing, and it needed to do it for a damn good reason.

And I committed to being patient and consistent with my body.

 

So eating & exercising - what have I been doing for the past several months / year?

Nothing special and no changes consciously.

I’ve just been living my life, not focusing on my body at all, not focusing on eating pure clean Whole Foods only or practicing any kinds of restrictions.

I've simply been eating my favorite foods, the foods that I’m drawn to and staying away from the foods I don’t like.

I’m still following my hunger and satiety cues which fluctuate from day to day.

I get stronger cravings the week before my period and menstrual cycle.

If I have more activity one day, perhaps I’m doing house chores or out and about doing errands vs sitting all day on the computer, my appetite changes slightly.

But since I’m not really exercising, my appetite doesn’t really fluctuate too too much.

I hardly have any cravings anymore so I do look for convenience foods.

I do eat out a lot because it makes more sense for me at this time in my life and my schedule.

I have sandwiches almost every day, whether ones I make or from sandwich places, and then bars are easy, and I am still having my daily creamer with coffee lol, and then whatever else.

I eat grains like white rice and white flour breads, whole fat dairy, pizza and bars and yes, and I feel better than I have in my entire life.

It’s always changing.

I have barely worked out in the past year, in fact in the last 5 months I haven’t really exercised at all besides getting my heart rate up in the, bedroom, if you know what I mean. lol

(I had to disclose that, as it does count for something since it gets my heart rate up and makes me break a sweat)

But I’m serious, I’ve only done a couple bike rides and hiking on a camping trip I went on a week ago.

But before that I’ve had a nagging back issue that has prevented me from doing any exercise.

But before the last 5 months or so, I was still hardly ever working out.

I did maybe once a week or twice a week at the most a power yoga class OR a yin yoga once a week or only twice a month so once every other week.

Remember your body is designed to be a self regulating system.

When the body is not starved or deprived and the brain triggered into starvation mode (or super freakin stressed for that matter which restriction and starvation is a huge stressor on the body)...

...the body naturally adjusts the hunger and satiety cues as well as fat and water storage (or retention) according to the energetic needs that are or are not being met, on a moment to moment basis.

Whether that's due to higher activity levels, hormone fluctuations, temperature and seasonal reasons, and so many other factors.

Your body has it all handled.

 

STRESS & WEIGHT GAIN / CHANGES

I do want to make an emphasis on stress levels and fat storage and metabolic rate.

It’s very hard for your body to release fat when it’s constantly stressed or has high cortisol and adrenaline ongoing and consistently.

So if you’re stressed out and this stress is coming from something such as you:

  • hate your job
  • or hate your relationships
  • or hate your body because it’s "disgusting," gaining weight and constantly in a panic because you’re fearing gaining weight or you’re putting so much pressure on your body to do what you want it to do,
  • plus a gazillion other things

and your cortisol is through the rough...

it’s hard for your body to want to release fat.

Stress can exacerbate the amount of weight you gain and remember that restriction and semi-starvation from dieting and excessive exercise are a huge stress on the body.

 

BLOATING, CONSTIPATION & BODY IMAGE

One of the biggest factors of whether I have a good day not bloated or uncomfortable and that affects my body image or a crappy body image day, is if I’m bloated from being constipated.

My body isn’t perfect and there are days, especially when I’m traveling, that I have to “let that sh*t go” (or I guess I’m holding it in? lol) and be fine with being inconsistent,

...but for the most part, I know that my bowel movement schedule is important.

If I stay consistent in this area, my mood lifts, my body feels more energetic and my activity levels feel true to what I desire (not just what I think I need to do in order to get rid of the constipation).

Some of my non-negotiables for staying consistent and "regular" include:

  • a glass of water first thing in the morning
  • coffee and creamer consumed alone without food while I sit
  • CHILL upon waking up at the same time every morning.

If I get up and go and don’t have this chill time, the stress or something really affects my bowel movements which then affects my whole day.

 

AM I INVOLVED IN THE HEALTH & FITNESS INDSUTRY ANYMORE?

I NEVER read articles on nutrition or fitness.

Never. Ever.

I’m so bored and uninterested in what the latest fitness or diet trend or latest and greatest superfood happens to be.

I’m pretty uninterested in food altogether, to be honest.

It’s just a part of my day and while it tastes great and I look forward to every meal, I don’t spend my free time studying or researching it.

 

MAIN KEYS MOVING FORWARD IN YOUR JOURNEY

 

#1

One of the most important and crucial key here is to not compare your journey to mine.

Let along any other coach, influencer etc who shares their journey...

No ones journey is going to look the same!

I can’t give you a timeline of when this or that will happen for you, just like I couldn't for myself when I was in the thick of it all.

The timeline of when things happen, your body will react different based off your past and what you’re doing now.

 

#2

Know and believe, that a healthy amount of fat or weight gain in recovery is essential for your body to heal.

Weight gain after coming from a period of restrictive eating and excessive exercise is going to be HEALTHY.

Some will gain more than others, and you may not overshoot your weight set point like I did, or you may overshoot more than I did, depending on if you continue to low-key restrict (and fall into a quasi-recovery) or if you were restricting for longer than me.

It’s all relative to the individual.

 

#3

I want you to ask yourself, the most important questions moving forward in your life:

  1. What are your priorities and goals in life?
  2. Where do you want to be in life 5 years from now?
  3. Do your current beliefs and behaviors around food, exercise and your body align with that person you want to become?
  4. Are you safe to release these limiting beliefs you’ve developed and have been engrained in your subconscious, so that you can develop new, healthful and often more realistic mindsets and beliefs?

 

If you need any further help or insight about my top tips for successful and long term diet recovery, check out my free masterclass on My Exact 3 Step Framework Anyone Can Use To Stop Feeling Obsessed Around Food, to recover your metabolism and peace of mind back by clicking here!

 

Alright, I’ll leave this article with a Bruce Lee quote:

“If you can’t commit to one thing, than you’ll be distracted by all things”

Commitment is either you do or you don’t.

You're all in or you're not in it at all.

You're either serving one master, and not the other, you can't serve two masters at the same time.

There’s no in between.

There's no other options anymore.

No matter how strong the fears, doubts and anxieties get, it’s no longer an option in your mind.

Commitment is that turning point in your life where you take advantage of the new opportunity presented to you, to alter your destiny.

 

With love and gratitude and to your freedom,

Kayla Rose

Holistic Nutritionist

P.S. I have a special complimentary resource that maps out How to Stop Feeling Obsessed With Your Weight, click here to get your copy!

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